Six Ways of Looking at "Hiatus"

Extra-credit question on a recent cumulative vocabulary test: use "hiatus" in a sentence. Here are my favorites (you have to give them credit for trying, right?)

  1. They built a strong hiatus around the criminal to protect him.
  2. The new student had a certain hiatus about her.
  3. The murderer's hiatus crime stunned all of the citizens because it was so brutal.
  4. She said that, but I know she hiatus me.
  5. The student gave a hiatus excuse for why she was late for class.
  6. Her awful hiatus was affecting the whole town!

Wrong answers are always so much more fun than right ones.

Une Vie Francaise

A month ago I lost my driver's license at a concert. (They actually didn't ID us that night, and to add insult to irony, it was a lousy show.)

I hate the MVA so much that I put off getting a new one, going so far as to carry my passport on a recent domestic flight. But last week I remembered there was an express office in Columbia that's open on Saturdays. So I rounded up the following forms of ID as per their website:

  • Passport (proof of identity)
  • Name Change Order (my passport only displays first and last) 
  • Credit Card Bill (proof of residency)
  • Pay Stub (proof of SSN, but mine only displays the last 4 digits) 
  • Recent Employment Contract (proof of full SSN)

So, guess how many she looked at?

Zero. She asked for my name, then my SSN, pulled up the file, took my picture and sent me on my way. But not before she asked about my middle name, which gave me such trouble at the MVA when I first changed it. I told her it was Armenian, then couldn't resist adding that her name meant "sing" in French. She was tickled by this and wanted to know how I had learned French. I told her high school plus practice, and she seemed genuinely interested and impressed that it was part of my daily life.

After that, I stopped for breakfast at La Madeleine, where the cafe is strong and the croissants can be found as God intended them (toasted almonds outside and marzipan within.) The staff is all Francophone, but diverse, and they are happy to chat with you a bit while you wait to enjoy your meal close to the fire.

Speaking French is occasionally useful, as at the concert (this one was amazing) when I calmly directed some confused patrons to their seats in their native language, or the time I watched a movie at a theater where the subtitles weren't working. It also brings me grief, mostly in the form of sarcastic comments from friends and family who wish they could understand me. But mostly it is a joy -- anytime I think, speak or dream in French, my life seems a little bit sweeter. 

Soggy Sunday

It's raining and I am wearing all the wrong things. My sandals snap at my heels and kick up more water onto my sodden jeans. A scarf covers the top and back of my hair but the front drips into my eyes as I plod on with resolution. I am carrying a blue cloth bag that's mostly wet and a white plastic bag that drips water. I could have taken the train, but I already decided to walk and I don't like to change my mind.

I am carrying dinner, grilled zucchini in olive oil and thin spicy pepperoni and juicy marinated mushrooms. They were all out of bread by the time I got to the market but I am sure I can find some at home. There is lobster salad, too, sitting on ice inside an insulated bag that's about as wet as everything else in sight on the street. I think about being dry at home with dinner and a glass of wine and two warm furry bodies winding around my feet..

It's cold in the airport terminal as my clothing starts to dry on my body. I think about asking the girl next to me if she will watch my things while I go to get a coffee. I am on the verge of asking when I suddenly think, are you kidding me? You lost your driver's license at a concert a few weeks ago and still haven't replaced it, and now you're going to leave your passport and your phone in the hands of a stranger? I consider taking them with me and leaving just the bags, but in the end I pack up everything and leave my seat and the two outlets beneath it, and the loud group from Texas is moving toward them with greedy white phone chargers before I am fully standing.

I come back with my coffee and find a new seat and not five minutes later a man asks me to watch his things while he goes to check on his flight.  I say sure and smile at the small irony. A few minutes after that a worried face crouches in front of me.

"Excuse me," he says. "I know I don't know you."  I wait for the ", but."

"But did you just say you would watch that man's things?" 

"Yes," I say. I see where this is going but I won't give him the satisfaction of sympathy. 

He grimaces apologetically. "Do you know him?" 

"No," I say. "I don't know him." 

"I'm probably paranoid," he says, grimacing again. "But we're in an airport . . . " 

I tell him I am only doing what I hope someone else would do for me. He says he understands and gets up with his things to sit somewhere out of range of the bomb he is sure will explode at any moment.

The first man comes back and I can't resist telling him he is on the unofficial Logan Airport Watchlist. He laughs at that and I offer him a pretzel. He says no thanks, he is going to meet some friends for happy hour in Phoenix and he can't wait to be out of this terrible weather. He is wearing sandals too but they look less soggy than mine. We talk about our travel plans. He asks what I do and I tell him I am a musician. This is only partly true but I almost never tell strangers the whole story. They don't care that I studied architecture and philosophy and Classics in school and now teach English and French to teenagers and Byzantine chant to adults. Instead I choose one of those variables, the most fitting, and leave the rest for another day. Today I am a music teacher and I just sang in a concert. He says his mother is a music teacher too and I wonder what other five things she does.

He leaves and I wait a few more hours and dry out and warm up and am really ready to go home.  Takeoff is postponed twice and when we finally take our seats I am grateful. I order a gin and tonic and when the flight attendant doesn't charge me I feel smug and secure in my insider knowledge that free drinks follow delays. Then he returns with a machine and says that will be eight dollars and I fish my credit card out of my bag and think, maybe next time.

A woman two rows back behind me on the plane is talking to the girl next to her. The woman's voice is piercing, not loud but piercing and I can't ignore it. I shoot her a couple of dirty looks but she doesn't see them or doesn't care.  I put in earplugs and that helps a little bit. I can still hear her. The tall flight attendant from Trinidad kneels to talk to the soccer coach in front of me. He is inches from my face and has a deep voice and long braids and he doesn't bother me at all. I like hearing his bass voice and I can also block it out but that woman behind me is awful.

I think, what a fun weekend and what a lousy trip home. Traveling is for people like Hemingway who can experience these things and turn them right around into poignant anecdotes and be none the worse for wear. I have fun trying those shoes on every so often but really, I'd rather be safe and warm somewhere than building character in this uncomfortable seat.

Fin

It's been such a tumultuous year for this poor blog that I won't bother apologizing for mere weeks of silence.  At the end of the quarter it seems like all I do is grade. But sometimes grading is fun.

Take, for instance, this assortment of annotations from the last page of Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray

  • Dorian = dead. (I found this exact note in multiple books.)
  • Suicide?! 
  • He kills the painting and becomes who he was meant to be. 
  • oh snap. 
  • Picture perfect!  (This is actually a relatively advanced pun -- summary here.)
  • WOW
  • What? How? 
  • Totally Gothic. 
  • The End. 

The theory is that if I can get them to speak to literature, literature might just answer back. Regardless, as they fight their way through with such charming incredulity and sarcasm, I do enjoy being a fly on the wall.

Paris Top 10: Walking

What will you find when you go on a walk in Paris? 

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An interplay of light and shadow in an airy hall, far more interesting than the dubiously-titled art on its walls; and the company of a beloved sister, far more valuable.

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The source of a favorite album. A riff on a favorite cocktail. 

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A daydream about snapping winds and foamy seas, wrought in thin spires of bronzed fancy. 

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Tiny explosions of color and chlorophyll, waiting to beautify a room or a corner or just a passing glance.

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A temple to a man that accidentally, in dizzying golden heights and shafts of warm piercing sunshine, honors God instead.

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A place that begs questioning, if only you were brave enough to stop for the answer.

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A new friend: adoring, persistent and soft around the edges.

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A gateway into another place, another time. 

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A bracing remedy for whatever ails you.

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A symphony of pattern, texture and composition that welcomes you with glass drums and trumpets of steel and, with soft undulating wood-paneled woodwinds, begs you to return and explore it again: on foot, as it was meant to be seen.

You will. 


Becoming Lebanese

Last summer a group of friends at the SMI was staying up way, way too late drinking wine and unloading after a long day of teaching and learning.  They invited me to join, but no sooner had I settled in than one friend decided it was time for bed. He began saying goodbyes, and I began laying on the guilt: 

"You're leaving? I just got here!" (It was after midnight.)

"We never have any time to talk!" (Patently false.)

 "Why do you hate me?" (If your Middle Eastern do not habitually play this histrionic trump card, you must not really be friends. It's a staple of the culture, as common as "keep a stiff upper lip" to the British.)

This last line prompted an outburst of laughter from all the Arabs present, which was just about everyone but me; one of them dubbed me an honorary Lebanese on the spot.  Defeated, my tired friend stayed another half an hour and then asked for my permission to retire.

Of course my real attraction to the Lebanese culture is not the guilt but the food. Last Pascha Rob surprised* me with the gift of this incredible book, which contains over 500 (!) traditional recipes and modern updates. It's a work of art, full of gorgeous photographs, and I enjoyed leafing through it for several weeks until the summer began. Then we hit a whirlwind of travel: we were gone 6 weeks out of 8, with mere days at home between trips. We finally arrived home on the cusp of the Dormition Fast, ready to stay put for awhile, and I was itching to start cooking for myself again after gracing the interior of far too many good and bad restaurants.

Here's the thing about fasting: it should be simple. Eat less, give more -- to God, to the church, to others. That's it. Instead, it becomes a chore. Reading labels. Planning exit strategies for social events. Trying to think of an allowed meal that sounds appetizing and contains something healthful. I hit Fasting Fatigue early and often during Lent and Advent, and this usually leads to breaking the fast or resenting the fast, or both.

So on July 31, I picked out a few traditional Lebanese recipes I wanted to try. All were fast-friendly (vegan) and fairly easy to make, if a little time-consuming: the fresh ingredients meant that a lot of chopping and pureeing was involved, though each dish was elemental in its simplicity. 

I was overjoyed, as I finished each one, to find it tasted exactly as it did at the best Middle Eastern restaurants (of which none exists in this area, and believe me, I have tried them all.)  At the end of two days I had a fridge full of healthy meals that were easy to prepare and so delicious I wouldn't even think of straying. We ate dips made from eggplant, chickpeas and walnuts; salad with lemony garlic dressing and pita croutons; and olives and pickled turnips, twice a day for a week. Then it was gone and we had to make more, only this time we added falafel, fried cauliflower, tahini sauce, tabbouli, preserved-lemon dressing and semolina almond cake, and doubled everything in honor of my mother's birthday. Over a dozen people crowded my house, each one effusive in praise of the amazing food, and the recipes were so straightforward I couldn't even try to take credit.

I didn't miss meat, not once. As much as I wanted to try the grape leaves with cinnamon-laced beef, raw lamb with spices and thick, creamy yogurt dip, I was perfectly happy with what I had made, the other 80% of the Lebanese canon. And it got me thinking about fasting and community. Saydeh touched on this in her comments about Holy Week (buried midway through this piece -- good luck!) When everyone is eating the same things, there are no pins and needles about cooking for guests or choosing what to eat at a host's table. And when the food is naturally, wonderfully simple, fasting becomes the norm; days when meat or dairy is allowed seem like a luxury.

We noticed this about our friend who is a priest in Southeast Asia and also a fabulous cook; most of his favorite recipes are based on vegetables and tofu, seasoned with a wide variety of aromatics and spicy sauces. When he's eating meat, he might throw in some chicken or beef, but tofu alone is delicious because it's allowed to be tofu -- it's not trying to be a hamburger. American food is just stubbornly unadaptable: all our traditional favorites (hot dogs, sandwiches, ice cream, pizza) are not only generally unhealthy, but also unpalatable without cheese and meat. Ever tried a veggie sub? Bread and sliced raw vegetables. As asetic and pitiful as it sounds.

Last year I fell into the habit of grabbing something small to eat during the school day -- yogurt, fruit, a boiled egg -- and eating my main meal of the day in the afternoon when I returned home and had access to my whole kitchen and pantry. So on Friday I had some nuts and fruit at school and came home to fattoush, hummus and mahamra. Then Rob mixed up ground beef, rice and spices and we rolled over a hundred grape leaves. We brought a few to the house of some close friends to enjoy, nightfall bringing the start of a non-fasting day, and in our conversation they pointed out the crux of what I'm getting at here. Not that the whole world should convert to a Middle Eastern diet (I wish!) but that being part of a traditional community makes fasting not only doable but enjoyable. 

Next on my journey to becoming Lebanese: discovering what magic they can work with chicken. And a very pleasant Advent fast.

*I may have ordered and paid for it myself, but I promised to give him credit. That counts, right?

 

What We Anchor To

Last spring we had some wonderful people over for a visit. A toddling bundle of drooly smiles; his precocious older sister, whose beauty, reserve and occasional liveliness remind me of a kitten's; their warm, quiet champion of a mother; and their father, a military chaplain who blessed the house before we sat down to eat lunch and catch up.

These friends are busy and move often, so we don't get to spend much time with them, but they bring us such peace and joy every time we see them, even if the conversation lasts only a few minutes.  They've attended our church off and on for many years, which is how I began listening to Fr. David's amazing podcasts from the front lines of Afghanistan ( very spiritually and emotionally intense, and so deeply moving.) While they were stationed in the area, they regularly attended Liturgy at our church, and Fr. David's homilies there remain one of the great blessings of my life.

It's the first week of school, so of course I'm busy and exhausted beyond belief after a week of "preparation" during which I had so many meetings and commitments I didn't have much time to actually, well, prepare. It's so easy to get too caught up in school / work / life and to forget the reality of eternity which we'll all face someday.

So I have had in mind all week Fr. David's last homily at Holy Cross before leaving for another tour of duty overseas last spring. For some reason I thought to record it, and I'm so glad to have it to read his urgent, convicting, inspirational words over and over. He's given his blessing to share them with you, so if you are also trying to summon the courage to follow Christ anew this year, read on.

Choosing Wisely

Somewhere in the distant reaches of my memory is the time before I had an iPhone, and as wonderful as the device is, part of me misses that time when I had to be seated in front of a computer to research, communicate or just dawdle online. Even then, it was a struggle to keep control; now it's even more of a struggle, and I have the distinct feeling I'm losing most of the time.

But sometimes there are bright spots, and The New York Times recently provided one completely by accident. Once upon a time, the app allowed unlimited free access to "Top News" (the most recently-published dozen or so pieces on the site) and "Most Popular," a mystifying combination of science, art and news pieces that have in common an ability to inspire thoughtful consideration. Just when I was starting to read very regularly, the app changed to allow only Top News for non-subscribers. Due to the large number of [somewhat discouraging] straight news pieces, I stopped reading except once in awhile while waiting in a very long line.

Last week when I updated the app, I found the policy had changed again: now access is capped at three articles per device per day, but they could be articles from any section -- the magazine or the food pages in addition to the Top News and Most Popular lists. I imagine this policy was a compromise designed to meet the somewhat mutually exclusive goals of making money and attracting readers, but I love it. The limit has forced me to choose wisely, and I've become really picky about what I'll read (also incensed when an article doesn't deliver: "New York Today," for instance, is pretty useless if you don't live in Manhattan.)

The power of choice. It takes me back to my childhood, my mom telling each of us in the grocery store we could choose one thing. Granola bars? Fruit snacks? Ah, the agony of indecision!*

Then, all of a sudden, a piece I chose on a whim might surprise me, like this unexpected jolt of spiritual truth in what is certainly the best commencement speech I have ever read: 

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. 
Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly.  Reservedly.  Mildly.
Or, to look at it from the other end of the telescope:  Who, in your life, do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth?
Those who were kindest to you, I bet.
It’s a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but I’d say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than: Try to be kinder.
Now, the million-dollar question:  What’s our problem?  Why aren’t we kinder?

I really recommend you read George Saunders' talk all the way through. When I run across another like it, I'll let you know, but don't hold your breath. Wisdom like this is hard to find, and even harder to practice!

*Junk was still off-limits. My sister once famously chose a head of lettuce as her treat. Did I mention we were also restricted to public television? Was I deprived or what?! 

The Experience of Holy Week

Every so often, my habit of scrupulously proofreading my e-mails gets me into trouble. Last winter, when we were in the thick of planning this year's Sacred Music Institute, our director Paul asked for Holy Week pieces we use at our parishes. I ignored the first request, because I consider myself the low man on the totem pole in a field full of professional musicians and lifelong Orthodox. But when he started to shake the bushes again, I sent him a few of my favorites, along with a paragraph about each hymn explaining why it was significant to me.

He never responded, so I figured he had enough pieces and didn't need mine. But when the schedule came out months later, I was shocked to see my name next to the first General Session, called "The Experience of Holy Week." I asked him what in the world he wanted me to say. "Oh," he said, "Remember that great e-mail you wrote me a while back? I want to hear more of that." 

The journey from e-mail to lecture was a strange one. With every paragraph, I wondered whether what I had to say would be useful or even interesting to the highly-qualified audience of the SMI. Eventually I just had to say a prayer that God would use my words, and then re-read and re-edit it again. (the final edit took place on the drive there. Thanks, Mom!) 

Since I was hoping only not to embarrass myself and / or put my audience to sleep, I was surprised and humbled by the reaction to my story. It's not an amazing story, but I think that people were able to relate it to their own experiences of Holy Week -- family and friends, priests and choirs, struggles and joys -- and thus my story became theirs. Ours. Several of my friends asked for a copy, so I'm posting it below. Glory to God.